“Unicorn Space”.
Unicorn Space. Doesn’t this sound like it must be a beautiful place, albeit mythical, to frolic and flourish? It conjures up something untouchable and fantastical, a place that only the most privileged people could possibly discover and inhabit.
Eve Rodsky, in her book “Fair Play”, aptly coined this phrase and describes unicorn space as “the passion and purpose that drives us to be the best version of ourselves”. She goes on to say that if we don’t nurture what makes us come alive then our identity, relationships, and fulfillment will be at stake.
Let me say that agin, “nurture what makes us come alive!” I mean, YES, right??
And yet how many of us actually do this?
More than any other category of people, women seem to give up on the aspirational space that is “unicorn space” when they become mothers. Why? Especially when it is so important to our identities, to our relationships, to our energy, and to our self-worth, why do we continue to deprioritize the thing that is so important to our happiness and wellbeing?
1. Lack of time, most definitely yes. The finite resource that is “hours in our day” is almost always the default answer.
2. We no longer know what fuels us, what makes us come alive. The individual “me” gets lost inside our singular identity as mother to our children — the defining “reason” we have no time.
But seriously people, do not give up on unicorn space!
It was not until my marriage came to a sudden end that I was able to find and create my unicorn space. In deliberately reclaiming this space for myself I have been able to rediscover lost passions, create new ones, write more, worry less, and feel excitement for the future. My burning quest to know more about all things motherhood and work, identity, new models of leadership, and a passion to advocate for gender equality have all come about as a result of being able to reclaim a space that had been lost.
For me, it was divorce that unexpectedly allowed me to discover that space again, a few hours each month of indisputable space where I can focus on the things that move me. But divorce is not the silver bullet here. So how then do we craft this space in marriage, in partnership with one another? How can we learn to honor one another by truly supporting individual pursuits of passion, equally? How do we put time up on a pedestal and acknowledge that no one persons time is more valuable than another?
So often mothers bear the burden of housework and childcare, in addition to their paid work, so the mere idea of something as fantastical as unicorn space seems untenable and indulgent. Ooohh the guilt, can you feel it? But there is a solution and it lies in the simple art of making a plan at home, a strategic plan much like you would in a strategic business context. Jennifer Petriglieri, a professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD, states “it’s not about the dishes, it’s about the deal”. In other words, who does the dishes should not matter if it is based on an agreed upon strategic arrangement. But, if one is always doing the dishes so that the other can always pursue unicorn space then one partner is perpetually in a state of deprivation. Eve Rodsky in Fair Play shares the importance of having a system to divvy up responsibilities to enable everyone to get the unicorn space they need. In our business contexts, we clearly define our roles and responsibilities and the intended goal is that no one person takes on a larger burden than another in a team environment. Similarly, no one person on a team should get all the unicorn space at the hardship of another.
So, applying this same principle to our relationships should be a cakewalk but we almost always fail to do so. It is not mythical or utopian to see that good equal partnerships enable, encourage, and support one another to spend a reasonable space and time in pursuit of the things that move them, that drive them to become better humans. The benefits for all run deep.
So, go do it. Carve your space. Make it happen. In or out of marriage.
There are numerous experts that have dedicate their time and research to this topic and it is never too late to craft and create the seemingly unattainable space that is “unicorn space”.
After all, fulfillment, identity, and relationships are at stake. Isn’t that reason enough?
Great reads from experts who provide evidence and support on this topic of “making space” are as follows:
“Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky ©2019
“Couples That Work” by Jennifer Petriglieri ©2019
“Parents who Lead” by Stewart Friedman and Alyssa F. Westring ©2020
“All the Rage” by Darcy Lockman ©2019
“Getting to 50/50” by Sharon Meers and Joanna Stroaber ©2009
“Sharing The Work” by Myra Strober ©2016
